A Juggling Act

Holding the hard bits, and the beautiful ones too

Nice, clean, balanced. Can I be more like an Art Deco design please?

These past few blog posts have been getting increasingly personal.
I’ve always mixed my own lived experience and observations into my therapeutic horticulture work, but when it came to my online presence, and to where I place myself within the business, I generally preferred to hide.

I get awkward in front of the camera, so I've mostly been avoiding that (though working on that too lately!) and when I want to share more of myself, the good old inner critic chimes in. You know the one…? That voice that continually cuts me down, especially when I want to express my views of life, my feelings, experiences and insights. It usually says something along the lines of ‘who are you to give advice? Why should anyone listen to you? You sound like a wanker. This is some low level internet content, trite and redundant.’
Fun, right?

And yet, despite this internal fight, the desire to write about my experience and share it with others is still there. The hope that doing so, that incorporating this lived experience into my work will also help others, is very much there. So, in an effort to get over myself and continue to grow, I've slowly been giving myself more permission to show up. More freedom, less judgement, less f#@ks given and more telling that shitty little voice where it can shove itself.

Sometimes understanding what makes me me feels like a juggling act, with more balls being added every now and then. Let me count the ways.
There's the anxiety ball, the depression ball, the immigrant far away from home ball, the growing up in a war-torn country ball, the single parent to a neurodiverse teen ball. Those have been there for a while, and are well worn into my experience.
I also picked up the menopause ball, which came with its own plethora of challenges (rage was my least favourite!!). I think I've mostly put that one down, only to collect the late-diagnosed ADHD ball in its place. Then, like everyone else, I'm also juggling the rising cost of living and the geopolitical dumpster fire we are experiencing and witnessing these days, with the worry they invoke. Alongside all that, I’m impatient, pretty stubborn, prone to endless overthinking, and quite restless.

But what about the positive qualities and attributes? Do I give them the same space I give all the others or do they get lost in the mix, drowned by hyper-focusing on the challenges? Maybe right next to all of the above, there's another side of me who is holding some really beautiful things. Let me see if I can count those with the same ease I noted the stickier bits.

A day apart

Very different modes…

There is the kind and non-judgmental me, the emotionally intelligent me, the loving and supportive parent and partner, the really good friend who can hold complexities with honesty and empathy. The silly, funny, curious and adventurous me. The smart, creative, sensitive and compassionate human who genuinely wants to do some good in the world.

The one who is deeply passionate about what she does, and works her butt off to build a business that is all about wellbeing, community, and helping others feel good and safe. The person who wants to get up in front of people and talk about hope and shared human experiences in an honest and vulnerable way. Who aspires to write books, stand on stages, and share the wisdom and power of therapeutic horticulture with as many people as possible. Who believes she has something meaningful to offer, and that it comes from the heart.
(phew, that took some courage to say and some silencing of that nasty voice)

This is my blend of human experience, and I dare guess it is not that different to yours. Challenges, gifts, traits we can work on, and qualities we can be proud of.
The practice, perhaps, lies in what we do with it all and how we let ourselves show up in the world. For me, that means exploring how brave I am about sharing, how honest and vulnerable I allow myself to be, how much I dare open up, and how much of me I bring into my work and this space.

What I love about the work I do is the opportunity to help people develop a gentler relationship with themselves through gardening, nature and community connections.
To create safe and supportive spaces, and to make our time together feel like a place to rest and be seen. With the hope that they (and you) get to take even a drop of this joy and carry it on with them. Nurture it and make it their own.

I do that by weaving my own experiences, perspective, and all those qualities I’ve listed here into my work alongside the therapeutic horticulture frameworks that guide it.
This approach is what makes it uniquely mine.

And that is the takeaway I am choosing to hold onto today.

I do things in my own way. It is valid and valuable.
As am I ❤️