The Space Between
Staying connected without losing myself
Lichen, one of natures fabulous relationships in action
Alright, now that you’ve all (hello my 3 loyal readers 🩷) been let in a little further into my headspace, are you ready to go a bit deeper?
Cultivating better awareness and kindness towards my many facets (a work in progress, obviously) has allowed me a bit more mental room to look at the next ripple in this thought pond. Relationships.
More specifically, the way we move through them, and the balance between showing up for ourselves and showing up for others. This topic has been very present in my life recently, both in my personal experience and when talking with people I love.
How do we negotiate relationships with others alongside the one we are working on within ourselves? How do we make space for someone else, while we cultivate our own inner strength, resilience and love.
We’re already aware of the ongoing work that our relationship to self entails, with its fluctuations, constant need for software updates and re-calibrations. What’s been coming up in several conversations lately is the balancing act of this internal connection and connections to others.
Relationships are a beautiful thing. I’m a big fan.
The exchange of care, taking turns sharing in capacity, gifting each other from our cups freely and with love, holding people while they do their own work and being held, joining hands through joys and struggles... I love all of that! It's where life’s gooey goodness is. Magic 🥰
Being a strong believer in the power of relationships and community, I’ve made fostering social connections a significant part of my work. Specialising in group work, I get to encourage and witness something really lovely - people getting to know each other. Slowly opening up, sharing resources, knowledge and care, honestly and genuinely. Healthy interdependence in action. Just like in nature, right? A beautifully woven fabric of relationships, built on generosity and interconnectedness.
I think life’s broader relationships are usually easier to navigate. They have a measure of distance that keeps things lighter. But looking at our inner circle, our nearest and dearest, those often present a more challenging side that many of us struggle with: balancing our own capacity and keeping ourselves held and safe, able to ask and receive, while also being there for others. Identifying and maintaining boundaries in motion.
Where is that leaky, squiggly border between our own wellbeing and theirs? How much of this giving is us being loving people who share in a healthy and nourishing way, and how much starts to seep into feeling responsible, obligated, or giving at our own expense?
And how do we notice it, hold it, and tend to it?
The master of relationships… fungi!
In recent months I've become more keenly aware of my tendency to shrink my own needs in order to make room for those of others. I think I do it in most areas of life, to be perfectly honest, but definitely with people I really care about.
At times it's small and reasonable, a healthy part of compromising, relating and loving, but at other times it can be harmful and draining. It can feel like holding my breath for far too long and will inevitably lead to some sort of system overflow.
Through various conditioning and learned behaviours, this will look and feel different for each of us. Influencing factors include the social structure we grew up in, our position in our family of origin, our gender and our brain’s wiring.
All of which shape how we perceive ourselves, our wants and needs, and how we negotiate our boundaries. Not an easy task, right? Add to that the fact that this is ongoing work, that there are ever changing circumstances, and it can easily become exhausting!
Ughhh. I hate that sometimes. Peeling another layer, doing the hard work, actually staying and sitting with heavy feelings and realisations. As if I actually have the energy to figure shit out again!? Haven't I just done a massive journey? Can't I have some rest? I’m tired.
Actually, maybe I can. Maybe there is room to pause and rest.
To take this awareness, understanding and ongoing work, acknowledge it, and put it down for a moment. Not away, not ignored, not entirely stopped. Just let it be. Knowing that right now I need to take some extra care, deeper breaths and to be gentle with myself.
A good time perhaps to lean on someone I can trust to hold me for a moment while I gather my strength. Isn’t that part of the beauty of relationships?
Of course this is all easier said than done, especially for this neuro-spicy-8-parallel-track-anxious-brain, but I am definitely working on it.
Noticing when I succeed and when I falter, meeting it with compassion (the same compassion I offer so willingly to others) and letting myself be for a bit. Knowing that I’m still here, still growing and learning, but also not having to solve it all right now.
That’s what I’m wishing for myself, and if you want it, for you too.
A good balance of self-acceptance, love, care and resilience alongside loving, supportive and fulfilling relationships.
Sounds pretty good, right? ☺️